Sixteen Things to do after a Relationship Breakup
I’m starting to soften up this blog and one of the topics I’m going to cover is relationship breakups. Breaking up is tough as I’ve found out during times in my life and I had always wished for a resource. A place where I could find others and hear about how they handled those nasty breakups. Whether you are experiencing a boyfriend breakup or a girlfriend breakup its still hard.
- Examine what happened, and ask yourself why. You have to make it clear to yourself that this may not be entirely your fault - or not your fault at all. Really thinking about the reasons it ended can make it clearer to you that it takes two people to start a relationship, but one discordant person is enough to end it. It may also help you avoid missteps in the future if you can identify areas where you contributed to the demise of the relationship.
- Don’t rethink your decision. If the breakup was your decision, bear in mind that thinking about all the good times you had may cause you to forget the reason for why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to second guess if the decision to end things was not yours. It’s very common to overly romanticize the good parts of a relationship, convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts weren’t so bad after all, maybe you could live with them. Or that maybe if your ex could know just how you feel, s/he wouldn’t want to break up after all. Don’t play this game with yourself. Accept the situation and move on.
- Keep your distance. Even if you and your ex have decided to stay friends, take a complete break from each other immediately after the breakup. That means no seeing each other, no phone calls, no e-mails, no Instant Messaging, and most importantly, no sex - not necessarily as a permanent measure (except where sex is concerned), but until you feel that you can converse with him/her like a normal person, without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get back together counts as an ulterior motive). Also, if he tries to ask you to see him, make sure you question yourself of what good can come out of it. You don’t want to relive the past by seeing him otherwise you’ll get caught up by that moment and it will be hard to let go again.
- Accept your pain. Have your good long cries if you feel like it. It’s okay to be hurt, feel alone, and feel like you have messed up. Accepting responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is healthy, but you must also accept that you are a good person, and this is not all one-sided. Of course, a stage of denial is completely natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to begin to move on.
- Think through everything thoroughly, but not obsessively. Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons you two broke up. Even if it seems there wasn’t a good reason, there certainly was one - and probably more than one. Understand that you enjoyed one another for a while, but even though everything seemed okay to you, if the relationship was not what your partner wanted for life, it would have ended eventually, no matter what. In this case, better sooner than later.
- Deal with the hate phase. This is where you want to just scream because you are so angry, even furious. The amount of anger you feel all depends on how bad the split was, how it occurred (was there infidelity? That makes it worse), and how long it took to make the final break. There may be feelings of resentment at your ex for wasting your time. You may realize the breakup was inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to notice at the time). You may even feel like you hate yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It’s a waste of time to be hating and ripping yourself apart over something you no longer have the power to change.
- Talk to your friends. They are always a source of advice and help. If you are close with any family members, they may be a good source of advice/guidance. You want people around you that love you and who will help you see that you should love yourself too. Surrounding yourself with compassionate, loving friends and family will help you see yourself as a worthwhile, worthy person again, and you’ll find it easier to get steady on your feet again with your loved ones around you in a comforting net.
- Write all your feelings down. Write in a journal or write poems. Most of all, be absolutely honest and don’t edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of writing it all down is that sometimes you will be amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as you are pouring out your thoughts onto paper. Patterns may become clearer, and as your grieving begins to lessen, you will find it so much easier to "get" valuable life lessons from the whole experience if you’ve been writing your way through it. No relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn something about yourself from having gone through it all with your heart open to both joy and pain. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it wasn’t a necessary part of your journey to becoming who you’re meant to be. Allow at least the learning part to enrich your life.
- Clean up! A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore, cleaning your personal space will leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming and depressing, and will just add to your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping busy with tidying your space doesn’t require a lot of brain power, but does require just enough focus to keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself with these tasks designed to make your life better and easier will also occupy your mind enough to help you through the residual pain.
- Keep fond memories, discard painful ones. Sometimes there are things that remind us of another person. Say, you hear a song or see a picture that reminds you of your ex, you probably get all sad and worked up. Well, instead of feeling that way, turn the station and move on - don’t dwell on the pain. But if you have a keepsake, such as a watch or a pin that was given to you by your ex, and it makes you feel good to wear it and remember the good parts of your relationship, by all means, do so.
- Find happiness in other areas of your life. Whether that means spending time with your friends and family, taking up that class you’ve always wanted to take, or reading every book on the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself that a relationship is one part of life, but even when you are in one, there are personal pleasures that you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those things now. As they say, the best revenge is living well.
- Stay active. It’s scientifically confirmed that exercise improves your mood, and the distraction will help keep your mind off the situation. Go running outside, maybe with a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness with every step.
- Let go. See that there is no sense in still being heartbroken, regretful, and harboring hatred toward that person. Realize that although your relationship with that person was unique and special in a lot of ways, you can congratulate yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and fall in love, and encourage your heart that even though love didn’t work out this time, there will be a next time.
- Take Time. Find a place where you feel comfortable, relaxed, and which is far away from your ex. Take a moment to listen, and to be alone or with someone you trust. Remind yourself that the only thing worse than the pain of a breakup is continuing a relationship that was not right for one or both of you.
- Think positively. Now that you are single, you get to find someone else to go out with,find someone new, and different. This doesn’t have to be so bad. Change your behaviors; that will help change your thinking. Of course, don’t forget about respecting other peoples’ thoughts and feelings while feeling released and free, and always remember to be true to yourself
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it all makes sense when you read it but unfortunatly the pain still feels really bad and the worst part is that for 5 years i believed in him and let him suck me and my kids into this make belief life we were going to have i feel so foolish and naive, i just want to scream so loud, but i wont because i dont want him to have that part of me too. i just want to stop hurting, and feeling like this.
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jay reply on November 25th, 2008 5:26 am:
just a quick response to maria’s comment. I just decided that I’m going to take up an activity that I’ve always thought of but never bothered to look into- rock climbing.i have been through breakups before and i know from my own experience, i have to use all the negative energy i feel and place it elsewhere. You still allow yourself to feel all the emotions you feel, but don’t fixate on them. i find working out REALLY REALLY helps me. I put all my energy into pounding on the treadmill or lifting weights and i’m not a big muscular type gal. but boy! can I lift some heavy weights when i’m feeling like this!! Make a commitment to yourself to be good to YOU. if that idiot wasn’t, then you have to step up and be good to you. we have a choice if we want to sit and wallow and pig out and feel crappy, or put on your sexiest outfit or go shopping and treat yourself. do it for YOU because you deserve it. i think to myself, there’s a guy out there who will appreciate ME for ME. the guy i was with, lied to me about wanting to settle down and want kids, he strung me along for a long time. then suddenly told me my biologicial clock is ticking and i should probably find someone who cares, because he doesn’t. You know what, the more i talk about it, the better it feels. He sounds like a complete moron, and he is. but i wish you luck. one day at a time!!!
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thank you for your advice. My breakup was just a few days ago. I was surfing the net trying to find some ways of coping. I haven’t even cried properly. I dont know how to feel. I am angry, but then I’m sad right after. I’m at the phase where I’m listening to every sad, pathetic song I can possibly get my hands on. I know it was for the best (my doing) but I still need to grieve the loss of a relationship. Its just hard. been there before and i know its a process. but just wanted to say thanks for taking time to write this to help people like me.!
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just breakup 2 weeks ago i steal feel emotional the worst thing when you realise i dont even know this person , after 3 years feels like a lie
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It’s hard to end a relationship when you really care for someone. 5 years ago i met this man and the relationship had turned abusive both physically and mentally. This weekend I had a funeral to attend (my uncle had passed on) and on the way to the service this man was yelling at me in the passenger seat saying ” I don’t understand why you want me here with you and your family, I don’t even like you like that!” Look, when someone is really close to their family, you just don’t tell them that especially when they are on there way to a relative’s funeral. Then, that evening he talked me into leaving my family to go to this comedy show- So told my family I was going to be back and when we get to the show, I put all my feelings of grief aside. As I playfully joke with him he pinches me sooo hard under my thigh I literally almost tipped off my chair! So now I have this HUGE bruise that is as big as a half dollar coin. So long story short, I am deciding to end the relationship because I am afraid if I go back, he might end up killing me mentally and physically. Thanks for writing this because now I must find a new beginning!
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i read it all n all i can say is thats its easy to read than to follow…although m tryng my best to overcome this guy i have been going out since 5 years. 6 months ago i realized i dont want him anymore because he was too much into drugs and partying out with friends. for 5 yrs ive been telling him to quit..not only because its not allowed in our religion islam but also because i didnt want him to be a bad influence on our kids when we get married. and then i found dese partying pictures of him. when i told him about them. he assured me he wont bring these pics in public ever. i was soo shocked that my being upset didnt bother him. instead of he quittng it, he made sure i dont find out. we broke up..he cdnt accept it..he said he luvd me too muj to let me go. but den one fine day he accptd it. n said hed neva move on. surprisingly, just 2 days ago i found out that he has askd another girl out…just after a month of our breakup. i always knew i would get bak to him n he will quit it all because he cant live without me. the opposite happened.i thought i would never move on cus i know he wdnt too….but he has….i just dont want to move on…m sooo depressed…
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I work with this person…and it make me sick 2 the bottom of my stomach to see him @ work..made it my business to break up with him and n communication with this person nor text or e-mail…I alway’s was the one running back to him in the relationship…gave him power over me…told him I don’t like what i see in the box…his last word was I’m glad u made tht decision..Its only been 4 months I wish I can heal quick…did tht on-line but I’m n satisfied with the program
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Coping With A Break Up - How To Cope With A Painful Break Up
Coping with a break up can be an extremely difficult and painful process, especially if you did not see the break up coming. When a break up happens, it is natural to shut yourself off from others because you don’t want them to see you grieving or because being around others who are happy makes you even more miserable. However, if you want to make coping with a break up easier on yourself, you must allow others to support you.
Coping With A Break Up - Reaching Out To Loved Ones
Allowing loved ones to support you is key to coping with a break up. Instead of isolating yourself from others, here’s what you need to do:
Turn to your family and friends: It is important that you spend as much time as you can with people who love and understand you. They could be your family members or your friends. However, when choosing who to turn to, make sure you are in the midst of people who are positive and who will help you heal without being judgmental or critical of you.
Make new friends: When a break up happens, a lot of people don’t just lose their loved ones but also get cut off from many of their friends. If the same has happened with you, you should go out and try to build new friendships. You can meet new people by joining the gym, taking up some new classes, volunteering your time for community services etc. In addition to helping you make new friends, such activities will also keep you occupied and take your mind away from your break up.
Seek professional help: If turning to loved ones is not a possibility, you should seek professional help. Speaking with a relationship counselor can help you to understand your feelings and cope with your loss, thus helping you to move on.
Even if all you want is to be alone after your break up, know that your loved ones will make coping with a break up a lot easier. Why go through this painful time on your own when you can have someone help you through it?
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I have done some of these things but still hating him…I decided enough was enough filed for divorced…but do to financial reasons we live in the same house…it is rough but what does not kill me will only make me stronger, right!
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